How Big is Your Family? (Healing from Abortion Wounds)

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How Big is Your Family? (Healing from Abortion Wounds)

By Anonymous

How big are our families? Do you see the lost and the hurting – the results of widespread abortion throughout our extended families, our community, our culture? Do you have grieving still to be done?

Do you have children? Do you love and seek to protect them? Did you have them when you were ready? Perhaps none of us are truly “ready” for parenthood when it comes, and we all dream of becoming parents with the right mix of ingredients – the right spouse, enough money, physical strength, and wisdom to care well for the fragile lives entrusted to us.

For far too many of us, our parenthood stories begin first with an abortion – a denial of our call to parenthood, even of our very humanity. So our true families are bigger than we see around us, and therefore contain an element of tragedy. Here’s my story of my bigger family – and how God has made it bigger in His love, if not in the number of children I can now hold.

I learned I was pregnant at age 18 – in college, after breaking up with my then-boyfriend, at the county health department. There was no way I could face becoming a mother then – or so I thought. I was broke, I had already rebelled extensively during my teen years to that point, and telling my parents that I had made yet another mistake – and so enormous – was unthinkable. So I froze. Not literally, but emotionally and intellectually. This could not be happening! If I just denied it, it would go away! Well, maybe with a little help from the medical clinic a friend told me about. I was thinking just enough.

So it was decided. I told my now ex-boyfriend that I needed some money. Not too much, in retrospect – only a few hundred dollars to get rid of “the problem.” A few short weeks later, I was lying on an exam table with people taking care of “it.” Then I was home. The subsequent discharge smelled awful, like rotten tuna – as if something . . . died. I continued to deny the horrible truth of what I had done. It was over (well, at least the physical part). And those little inklings of maternal instinct and that faint belly swelling? Oh, it was over now – onward with my studies, and no more thoughts of “it” (except when my mind would wander).

But “it” had happened – I had had a baby, a human life growing inside me, flesh of my flesh. I finished college, went on to grad school, and then – I was faced full force with the extent of my grave sin. Yes, I had rejected God’s capability to fully care for me no matter the circumstances, and I had played God myself – deciding matters of human life and death.

As I began to grasp the gravity of my sin, I came to believe that I was too bad, too horrible, for God to ever accept me as His child. But God is so gentle, and all-sufficient. He drew me close in steps of faith, with loving friends and a strong church around me, and showed me so clearly how no sin is too great for Jesus’ redeeming salvation. I came to understand that Jesus died on the cross FOR ME – to take the punishment for all the people who have had abortions and who have done and thought all sorts of other things that fall short of His holiness, goodness, and righteousness. I am His – and so was my unborn child.

Fast forward – I am now married, with two born children. I love helping pro-life organizations and living out my Christian faith. I’m so thankful for my forgiving and supportive husband. I’m still too ashamed to tell my born children that they have a sibling waiting for us in heaven. How could they ever forgive me? But we walk in grace and faith, and with the assurance that one day God will wipe away every tear. I long for that day. And in the meantime, I yearn to share God’s message of incomparable love, redemption, provision, and hope for all – born and unborn, guilt-ridden and free – as our society continues to grapple with abortion’s evils and deep consequences.

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.
The cords of death [or other trouble] entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“O Lord, save me!”
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, He saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.”

Psalms 116:1-7

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