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Speaking the Language of Love

Speaking the Language of Love

Love and relationships should come naturally. They should not be so much work.

By
Bill Ferrell

“I believed I had found the secret to my wife’s heart.”

For many years on every birthday, every anniversary, every Valentine’s day – I would buy my wife three cards. Sometimes they were cute. Sometimes they were romantic. Sometimes they were funny. But always they communicated, “I love you.”

I would painstakingly take time choosing the right cards. Then I would pour over them, choosing just the right words. This process sometimes took hours. The amount of time didn’t matter to me. I wanted to make sure that I communicated how much I loved her.

Once completed on the night before the particular celebration, I would place them on the kitchen counter so she would see them first thing in the morning. I then imagined the next morning:

She would walk down stairs and, upon entering the kitchen, be surprised to see – not one, not two – but three cards. All addressed to her. A smile would spread across her face. “What has that crazy husband of mine done?” she would muse to herself. She would then carefully open each card, slowly savoring the words I had taken care to write. Suddenly her bottom lip would quiver and a single tear would stream down her cheek. She would then come bounding up the stairs to find me. Choking back tears of unspeakable joy, she would declare her undying love for me. Then pulling me close while gazing into my eyes, her lips would gently touch mine – expressing the passion that was welling up in her heart.

Yeah – In my dreams!

In reality – she would simply smile, say, “thank you,” and go on with her morning.

I did this for years. Bought the cards. Wrote the notes. Placed them on the counter. Imagined the scenario above. And her response was always the same. A smile. Thank you. On with her day.

I was puzzled. No – actually frustrated. Her response was so…so…so…blah. I had just expressed passionate heartfelt undying love and her response was the same as when I take the garbage out.

And so, I decided to do something truly “crazy.” I decided to talk to her about it. I asked her why her response to my expression of love was not met with the same level of passion in which I had given?

What I learned blew me away!

Speaking a Different Language

She told me that the cards did NOT say “I love you” to her. She admitted that yes – the cards were filled with words of love and desire for her. And that meant something to her. To be fair to her, she did express appreciation. She just wasn’t as thrilled to receive as I was to give. What I learned was that they did not mean the same thing to her as they did to me. Words are what say “I love you” to me – not to her.

I learned that I had been projecting my love language on her. I had been assuming that what said “I love you” to me would naturally say “I love you” to her. That makes sense – right?!

She went on to say that she felt most loved by me when I did acts of service for her.

  • When I took care of the car (making sure that she was safe)
  • When I bought her a Diet Coke (I was thinking of her)
  • When I cut the grass and shoveled snow (keeping the house looking nice)
  • When I went shopping with her (submitting to torture)

I realized that I had been speaking to her in my love language. In the way that says “I love you” to me. I might as well have been speaking a foreign language. In fact – I was.

Learn to Speak Their Love Language

Gary Chapman, in his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, explains that the secret to expressing love to others is to understand their “love language.” Here they are, along with a brief description:

  1. Words of Affirmation – Using words to build up the other person. “Thank you for the cards. That really meant a lot to me.”
  2. Gifts – A gift says, “He was thinking of me, and look what he got me.”
  3. Acts of Service – Doing something that you know they would like. Washing the dishes, making a meal, vacuuming the floors, changing the oil in the car – are all acts of service.
  4. Quality Time – When you give them your undivided attention. Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off and no cell phones. Talking and listening.
  5. Physical touch – Holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse are all expressions of love.

Chapman goes on to explain that every person has a primary love language which speaks more deeply to them than all the others. Discovering each other’s love language and speaking it on a regular basis is the best way to keep love alive in a relationship.

The Secret to A Most Excellent Way

If you want to be excellent at expressing love to others – learn their love language. Oftentimes you can figure this out by observing how they express love to you or what seems to evoke a strong response from them.

However, the secret to discovering the most excellent way of showing your love to them is…are you ready for this…ask them.

Yes – sit down with them and ask directly what says “I love you” to them. Use the list of the Five Love Languages above as a guide. Ask for examples. Get specific. Be a student of them. Make no assumptions. And then whatever they say – believe them.

I say to believe them because our natural tendency is always our own point of reference. We must resist the temptation to project our own preferences on to others – even when they have told us otherwise. So, believe them and then act accordingly.

Speaking their love language is a critical step in keeping your love alive!

———-

Bill Ferrell has been married for 35 years, has 2 adult children, and 4 precious granddaughters. He teaches individuals and couples how to experience loving and fulfilling relationships. He is also the Community Relations Director for GRIP Outreach for Youth. When he is not helping Chicago urban youth to experience a better life, or inviting others to join him – he is spending time with his family, running, swimming, biking, or reading a book. Or playing practical jokes on his kids.

Follow him on…
Facebook
Twitter: @billferrelljr
Instagram: @popferrell57

For more resources on marriage and relationship building, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges.

5 Steps to Write a Poem

5 Steps to Write a Poem

By
Sarah Pichardo

Valentine’s Day is coming up. You made yourself a vow to really outdo yourself this year by being thoughtful, romantic and, dare I say, extra? And what better way to melt the heart of your Romeo or Juliet than by writing a poem from your heart?

The only problem is, you don’t know the first thing about writing poetry. Fear not. That’s where this handy dandy tutorial comes in. First of all, it’s super sweet that you’re even considering doing this. Give yourself a pat on the back and reward yourself with a treat just for even thinking about it. Now, let’s get to it. Here are some tried and proven steps to help you deliver the best message of all time.

Step 1. Get a piece of paper
Step 2. Get a pen
Step 3. Starting writing…a note letting everyone know you’re heading out
Step 4. Get your car keys
Step 5. Drive to your nearest Hallmark store

Just kidding? Also that’s 5 steps. But I’m a writer not a mathematician.

Seriously. People at Hallmark get paid good money to be sentimental, romantic, funny and to come up with messages for EVERYTHING and for EVERYONE. No one’s going to be mad you bought a card. BUT if you really do insist on doing it yourself, here are the real steps to writing an amazing poem that will win you all the awards.

Step 1. Know your subject.

I mean, this goes without saying but for you slow people out there, think about the person you’re writing this for. What do you love the most about ‘em? The way they smile? The way they smell? The way their eyes glisten when you bring them food?

Step 2. Use imagery.

No, I don’t mean put pictures of stuff in your poem. Though maybe drawing a picture will get you extra points. I mean, paint a picture with your words.

Step 3. Make it rhyme
Lastly, but also most importantly, I don’t care what anybody says, if it doesn’t rhyme, it’s not a poem.

There you go. It’s beautiful. You’re amazing. Give yourself another treat.

Also, here’s an example of a real poem….

Te quiero
Te adoro
Te pongo en el inodoro
Le doy a la palanquita
Y adiós corazón de oro

No translation. Sorry. Pretend it says…

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m no poet
I just want to kiss you

If you actually went through the trouble of writing a poem, even if you didn’t follow my amazing tips, I really want to see it. Please send it to me so I can read it. Please. Cause I want to know what love is.

P.S. If you want a little more info on being extra in your relationship, check out this blog. By the time you’re done reading it, you’ll figure out the recipe to being the happiest couple on the block.

—–

Sarah Pichardo is the Creative Director at Family Bridges. When she’s not obsessing over pixels, designs and scripts – or brainstorming plans to take over the world – she’s probably reading a book or overdoing it with the Christmas decorations.
Follow her on…

Twitter: @sarahp726
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahp726/

For more resources on relationships, follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges.

Love Must Be Intentional

Love Must Be Intentional

Love and relationships should come naturally. They should not be so much work.

By
Bill Ferrell

This was my best friend’s philosophy in college. He didn’t have many second dates.

Over the years I have talked with hundreds of couples. Some considering marriage, some newly married, some trying to save a marriage. I have heard many of them say the same thing:

“Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” Really? Why?

Would someone who wants to run a marathon say, “It shouldn’t be so hard to run 26 miles?” Or someone who wants to advance in their career say, “It should not require so much effort?” Or someone who wants to be an author say, “It shouldn’t be so hard to write a book.”

Now, you may think, hey – this isn’t about athletics or career or literature. This is different. This is about love. Love should come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul mates. Good point. It is different. It’s far more difficult.

WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE

No two individuals are naturally compatible. That is not to say we don’t share anything in common with the ones we love. Of course not. We may have similar educational, socio-economic, and cultural backgrounds. We may have similar values and goals and belief systems.

However, every individual is just that. An individual. And even though we share the planet with billions of other people – who we are is unique. Our family of origin, our life experiences, our world view is unique to each person. Which is amazing and very cool and one of the reasons people are so fantastic.

However, our individuality is also why it’s a challenge to “get along.”

We are all born self-centered. We all start with only one “point of reference” – ourselves. It’s the only place we can start. Initially, we can’t be faulted on that because there is no other way to begin life. We don’t know any different. But as we grow up, we learn that there are other people in the world. This understanding actually happens early in life.

As we mature, we realize that we are faced with choices. We can choose to consider only ourselves in the decisions we make and how we live our lives – or we can choose to consider others.

We usually choose self-centeredness. Not because we are bad people. But because that has been our life-orientation from the beginning. And so this has an impact on all our relationships – especially when it comes to marriage.

Author Denis de Rougemont has said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love?” That’s why a good marriage is more painfully difficult to achieve that athletic or career or artistic expertise.

WE DON’T KNOW JACK! OR JILL

Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas has said that we never really know the person whom we marry.

Hauerwas goes on to say that we may think we fully know who we are marrying – but we really don’t. In time he or she will change. We are never the same person after entering marriage. As well, time and life experiences change us: having children, job changes, aging parents, acquiring more income or less income, unforeseen physical issues, and all that comes with growing older.

These – and more – are all in the future. And unless your crystal ball is better than mine – you don’t know what lies ahead. Or the kind of person you will become. Or the kind of person your spouse will become.

There are seeds planted within all of us during our “formative years” that help to shape us. But it will take time and life circumstances for the seeds to grow and blossom. So even if we marry with our eyes wide open, there is so much more to come. These life changes are challenging for all marriages. If you have experienced them – you are not alone. If you have not experienced them – just wait. They will come.

WE NEED TO BE INTENTIONAL

Analysis is good. In fact, it is crucial to solve any problem. But we can get trapped in what is called “paralysis of analysis.” Understanding the problem and even knowing what we must do means squat without ACTION.

To love someone else, to full and completely love them – we must be intentional.

That means that we need to think and plan and DO.

Think. Take time to consider the other person. What do they need? What are they feeling? How is their life experience? This means you need to work (that four-letter word) to understand their world. Don’t try to just read their minds – talk to them. Ask them. Care enough to be students of them.

Plan. Make a plan to love them. This requires you put it into your schedule. If you don’t plan your time – someone else will. That is a fact of life. Work. Friends. Obligations. All these have a plan for your life. You must be proactive to plan or someone else will.

Do it. Plans mean nothing without execution. Good intentions mean nothing without action. Good ideas are dead without execution. Resist being passive. Put your plans of love into action. That is intentionality!

LOVE DOES

Here is a list of some suggestions of what you can do to be intentional:

• Send a text telling them that you are thinking of them or that you love them.
• Call them up – just to talk and say you were thinking of them.
• Plan a date that does not include a movie – but mostly conversation.
• Read a book aloud together. This is engaging and creates more opportunities for conversation.
• Read a book on relationships or marriage.

• Go to a coffee shop and talk. This will get you away from the distractions of home.
• Buy them balloons – just for fun.
• Throw them a surprise party.
• Write them a letter about how much they mean to you.
• Write them a poem. You can always “borrow” from Shakespeare (he wrote a ton of love sonnets), or another poet, or better yet, you can learn how to write a poem here.
• Surprise them with a weekend getaway.
• Ask them questions. And then just listen. Seek to get to know them better:

What were some of your highlights from last year?
What were some of your lows from last year?
What are you looking forward to in 2019?
What are some of your goals?
What are you currently working on that you are excited about?
What are some of your dreams?
How can I help support you right now?
What says, “I love you” to you?

The more we are intentional to nurture love in our relationships – the more we will experience the abundant life-giving relationships that we were created for.

———-

Bill Ferrell has been married for 35 years, has 2 adult children, and 4 precious granddaughters. He teaches individuals and couples how to experience loving and fulfilling relationships. He is also the Community Relations Director for GRIP Outreach for Youth. When he is not helping Chicago urban youth to experience a better life, or inviting others to join him – he is spending time with his family, running, swimming, biking, or reading a book. Or playing practical jokes on his kids.

Follow him on…

 

For more resources on marriage and relationship building, you can follow Family Bridges on social media @familybridges.

“Adulting” 101 – Why asking Why is important

“Adulting” 101 – Why asking Why is important

Contributed by
Eduardo Morales

As I get older and evaluate my life, I see that our 20’s has a lot of influence on how the next stages of our lives will be shaped. Why? Because our 20’s bring a lot of transition: High School to College, College to Career and Career and other Career, Singleness to Dating, (then maybe like in my case, single again several times over), then Marriage and quite possibly the Baby Carriage. But this is really a time to learn about you, see the world, experience friendships. These life experiences are some that are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. These are the memories that will turn into the good ol’ days. And truthfully, if we aren’t careful, these years can just fly by, unless we are intentional about setting a vision and living with purpose.

It is so important to have a vision for your life. Without a vision, you might be busy doing things, but you could be busy doing things without a point. The idea is to have a purpose and intention in what you do. So what do you really want to do with your life? Why am I doing what I currently am doing?

These are the questions I have been asking myself in a time of transition. As I am asking and evaluating, I think a good question to ask is “Why?” For most of us, when we were younger, we constantly bugged our parental figures with the questions of why. “Why does this happen?” “Why do you do that?” “Why this?” “Why that?” Yeah, it can get annoying, but I have found that asking ourselves the Why questions, allows us to answer and clearly explain to ourselves, why we are doing what we are doing.

For a few years now, I have been wearing a number of different hats, gaining a lot of great experience. I believe the quickest way to find our sweet spot is wearing different hats and finding out what we like and don’t like. However, it’s in these experiences that you evaluate whether or not this is something you want to continue dedicating yourself to. Knowing where you stand and where you want to go – that’s having a vision. When you have a direction of where you want to go with your life, spiritual walk, your marriage, your career, you can better determine what things you currently do in your life or might come across your path in the future, that will either benefit you or hinder you.

Here are a few practical ideas that can guide you through this vision-setting process.

Look at what you’re passionate about and how you’re wired. When you start to see some common threads in your life or overlapping interests and assess your skills, this might be a good mix of information to help guide you as to what you want to invest your life into in the years ahead. So what are you good at, what are you not-so-good at? What’s your story? Are there positions you continuously find yourself in or others elect you to? Use these questions as guides in developing a vision for yourself.

Take time to breathe.A common question in interviews is where do you see yourself in 5 years? Sometimes we can be so busy plowing in the fields that we lose focus on why we even starting tilling in the first place. It’s important to take time to remind and refocus, or else, it is easy for us to get drained and suffer from burn-out. Even more so, we might find ourselves in a position where we lost the vision.

Write it out! I believe we are more apt to follow through with a goal or an idea when we write it down and keep it visible for us to see. Just like scripture, if we embed it in our hearts, if we meditate on it day and night, it will become a part of us. The reality is that we tend to forget and when we forget we lose focus. Having a visual reminder continues to keep us focused and helps combat our forgetfulness.

Ask yourself the Why’s? Ask yourself (and ask others close to you to ask you), the tough questions. It is not always about looking for the advice or opinion, but allowing mentors, or your core supports, to ask you questions that will get you thinking and seeing things from another perspective. Everyone has an opinion and advice that could be easy to give and easy to find. Plus you can search around until you find someone that fits what you’re looking for and that might not always be the best thing.

When thinking about leaving your mark on your culture, your world, your church, your neighborhood, your family, it starts with a vision. Learning more about you, your skills, your passions should help guide you in understanding your purpose. When you start living on purpose, that breeds confidence, because you’re in your element. Taking time to process this for yourself, in all the areas of life you’re involved in, will help you develop vision. So be like a little toddler for a moment and ask yourself the “Why’s?” I think you’ll find yourself developing a decision-making style that is more visionary than circumstantial.

Do you have a vision and purpose for your life? Share with us your experience in the comments section below.

For more tips on life and relationships, follow us on social media @familybridges.

How to Love Your Partner at their Worst

How to Love Your Partner at their Worst

Contributed by
Dr. Charlie and Elizabeth Woehr

There is an old Western movie starring Clint Eastwood, titled: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Well, we humans can be like that. In fact, within every person, even you and your partner, there is the potential to at one time or another exhibit actions or attitudes that could be classified as good, bad, and even ugly!

It is easy to love a partner who is showing their good side. It is a bit harder to love a partner who is showing their bad side. It is much, much harder to love a partner who is showing their ugly side—at their worst.

To be able to LOVE your partner when they’re at their worst, you must develop, from the beginning of your relationship, a solid foundation. Here are the four elements you must integrate into that foundation, that will prepare you to LOVE in all kinds of situations:

 

L – Laugh often with your partner. Laughter has been called “the best medicine,” and there is a reason for that. Laughing together means sharing fun times, silly times, creating this way memories that will be the glue for when the tempests of trouble hit your relationship, helping to keep things from collapsing around you.

O – Open your hearts to each other; share your inner thoughts and feelings. Talk about the dreams you each have for your relationship. By opening your hearts to each other you are trusting each other with your deeply valuable thoughts and feelings. Being comfortable with each other is a prerequisite to wanting to support each other in those more difficult moments, when things are not as you would like them to be. If you have learned to open your hearts at times of vulnerability, this will create both a desire and need to get closer to your partner in difficult times, which will counter the natural tendency to move away from each other when things get tough.

V – Value the strengths each of you have and learn to expect those to be brought into play when things are not going so well. Is one of you a forgiving person? That will be brought into play when things are not going well. Is one of you a deep thinker? Value the analysis that will bring to reflection about where things have gone wrong. Your strengths will need to be known and brought to bear in difficult times.

E –  Expect to recover from difficult times you will face. Avoid generalizing by thinking to yourself that this “always” happens, or that this “will last a long time” or that “this will never end.” Rather think of positive outcomes and expect that your partner will react and come around, will ask forgiveness, and seek to restore any painful times caused by their worst moments. Expect that when the years go by these difficult moments will have made your relationship stronger. Expect is really to exercise FAITH: believing in the ultimate healing and restoration that will come, after the valley of pain or misunderstanding.

 

Want to love your partner at their worst? Start loving them at their best and put the L.O.V.E to work for you, as you prepare to weather the most challenging storms that inevitably come on the sea of life as a couple. Down the road of life, as you look back on these difficult times, you’ll be very glad you did!

How have you and your partner gotten through tough times in your relationship? Share with us in the comments area below.

For more tips on life and relationships, follow us on social media @familybridges.

My Husband as a Father

My Husband as a Father

Contributed by
Eva Fleming

I don’t know about you but sometimes I observe and reflect about what kind of father my husband is to my children and a sly grin of satisfaction passes through my lips. He is not the fun, energetic dad that tosses his children up in the air or spends time with them in the basketball court. Yet, as I see my children growing and maturing, becoming independent and embracing life, I have to admit this reserved man has done something right. Why else are my children so adaptable, hardworking, responsible, respectful and focused? Is it perhaps, because they have the steady hand of a dad that takes them to karate practice every week, trusts them with big jobs, sets high expectations, and provides the resources for them to succeed? I believe it is.

My husband has been providing for our family physically and financially for almost three decades. But best of all he provides a stable home where love and trust can flourish. I have made the following observations about the type of fathering that goes on under my roof:

  1. My husband’s fatherhood is an expression of masculinity. True masculinity models healthy compassionate relationship behavior. This is good for my boys because they are learning to find their role and place in society by the power of modeling. And it is great for my daughter because the primary way she has learned how men should behave in a healthy relationship has been by watching her father. Most divorce and domestic violence happens to men and women who grew up without a father modeling compassionate relationship behavior (Steve Stosney, Ph.D)
  2. My husband’s role is integral to the wellbeing of our family. I know what the fatherhood research says about fatherhood and the list is long. Check out David Blankenhorn book Fatherless America. He says that, “fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation.” But our family has benefitted from emotionally stable children who exceed in school, don’t exhibit behavioral disorders, and don’t engage in aggressive behaviors all because, I’m sure, there is solid fatherhood happening in our home.
  3. Fatherhood has been good for my husband. The biochemistry and neural activity that kicked into his brain after he became a dad has literally kept him alive and focused. Loving a child and sacrificing personal comfort for their success and well-being has indeed turned my husband from a typical selfish bachelor to a complete selfless human. Perhaps he pushes it to the limit since he still drives a 15-year-old car to make financial sacrifices to benefit his children.

If you ask my kids about their dad, this is the first thing they will tell you: “When I ask dad about something, he goes more in depth than I thought possible. He looks at thing from all the angles, he is really thorough. Which lets me know that he really cares and wants me to make the best decision I can make. He truly has my success in mind.”

In my house my husband is honored for his character which, come to think of it, is the reason my sisters and I honored my own father. He was passionate, principled, forgiving, and compassionate. My husband is honest, responsible, trustworthy, and detailed. What about you or the special father in your house? What character trait are you passing down to your children? Whether you are an active, adventurous, affectionate dad or a reserved, steady, determined dad, society needs you, and so does your family.

While Hollywood’s portrayal of fathers in roles like those of Homer Simpson with his crude, short-tempered, neglectful, clumsy, lazy, heavy drinking, ignorant and idiotic personality may be comical, it’s definitely incomplete and thankfully does not represent the many awesome dads that I know are out there. These days’ fatherhood is on the rise and boy, am I thankful for that!

For more blogs, tips and ideas about life and relationships, follow us @familybridges.

Surprised by Love

Surprised by Love

Contributed by
Bill Ferrell

“I am dead.”

These were the first words that filled my head when I woke up.

Of course, I didn’t think that I was literally dead. I meant that I was in a lot of trouble.

I was a sophomore in high school and the night before I had gone to a movie with my best friend, Don. I drove my parent’s car to the movie. However, Don drove the car home because I couldn’t. I was drunk.

I would like to state for the public record that it was Don’s fault. I would like to say that Don made me get drunk. I would like to say that he threatened to hurt me if I did not match him beer for beer. I would like to say that, but of course that’s not true. I drank freely. That is not to say that the beer was free. In fact, I was the one who paid for it.

When I arrived home, my parents knew exactly what I had been doing. It was the first (and last) time I had consumed that amount of alcohol. Therefore, I was not good at hiding it. The fact that I had gotten sick on the way home, couldn’t stand up, and that someone else was driving their car probably made them suspicious.

In the morning I woke up and immediately felt sick to my stomach. Not from the alcohol, but from knowing that I was in trouble. I laid curled up under the covers, hoping that I had just dreamt the whole thing. But the voices coming from the kitchen brought me into reality. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could tell my father was upset. Very upset. I had never heard my father that way. Of course, he had never seen me drunk either. He generally was an even-tempered man. He seldom raised his voice. But that morning his volume was turned all the way up.

And for good reason. I had been irresponsible. I had violated their trust. I had lied to them. His anger was justified. And I felt horrible.

I decided not to delay the inevitable any longer. I slowly opened my bedroom door. Suddenly there was silence. I walked into the kitchen and sat down. I had avoided eye contact until that moment. I looked up, bracing myself to meet a burst of anger along with a speech about being a colossal disappointment. Instead, I was surprised.

With tears in his eyes, my father stood me up, hugged me, and said, “thank God you are safe.”

I realized in that moment his upset was not because I had disobeyed him or broken the law or had done something incredibly stupid. It was because he loved me.

I had been expecting punishment and yet I received grace. I was deserving wrath and yet I received kindness.  

I learned something that day. I learned that no matter what I did, my father would always love me. I learned that his love was not dependent on my obedience to rules, or compliance to his will, or even to common sense.

He loved me. Period.

I have learned over the years that I am deeply loved, as my father loved – and as our Father in Heaven loves.

When we experience that kind of love – we experience life.

P.S. I was grounded from driving the car for 4 weeks. True love also protects. Even if it’s from yourself.

For more blogs, tips and ideas about life and relationships, follow us @familybridges.

It’s not OK

It’s not OK

Contributed by
Sarah Pichardo

If you ever wonder what’s wrong with this world and this generation, just read a Cosmopolitan article, watch an MTV show, or take a look at Snapchat’s featured stories. I came across an article today titled, “I Love Dating My Married Boyfriend”. I kid you not. That’s the actual title…and that’s exactly what the article was about. Please, world, tell me that it’s not just me that sees something devastatingly wrong with that.

Here’s the thing. I know that there is a small percentage of people who think this is perfectly fine and that the rest of you do agree with me and do see something wrong with that.  And that we are just over here like, “For real though? What’s wrong with you?” That’s the bright side of this blog/rant. The not so bright side is that this is what media outlets are shoving down everyone’s throat – ALL THE TIME.

We’re becoming a desensitized people. Because the more you push the boundaries and limits, the more common and acceptable something becomes…the more you have to keep pushing boundaries until there’s nothing left to push.

Nothing is off limits. Everything is acceptable. There is no such thing as right or wrong.

When is enough, enough? I’m a bit saddened and concerned at where our culture will be in 20 years. A place with no moral objectivity.

There is no one who can influence your children more than you. Take advantage of it while you can. Talk to your kids about your beliefs and about what you expect from them. Teach them about right and wrong. Talk to them about relationships, sex, drugs, politics, religion, life. Don’t assume they will learn it on their own. If you don’t talk to them, they will learn things from their friends, from school and from what they read online and see on TV. And don’t just talk to them about it, but show it in your daily actions.

Not everything is OK. And it’s OK to say so.

For more blogs, tips and ideas about life and relationships, follow us @familybridges.

Want to Raise Great Kids?

Want to Raise Great Kids?

Contributed by
Bill Ferrell

Do you want to raise an emotionally deficient child? A child who questions their value and worth? Someone who seeks approval and love from others in unhealthy ways? A child who believes that they must find someone else to “complete them” because on their own they are incomplete?

If you do – you are sick and I would like you to hand your child over to me immediately.

OUR NATURAL PARENTING STYLE

However, I am assuming, that is not the case. Like most parents, you love your child(ren). However, all of us come into parenting unprepared. It is truly an “on-the-job” learning experience. Primarily our own Family Of Origin (FOO) experience informs our parenting paradigm. That can be both healthy and unhealthy. It all depends – and is usually a bit of both.

WE NEED TO BE SELF-AWARE

“That was how I was raised and I turned out alright” is not always the best parenting principle. Maybe your parents did a great job in raising you. Or maybe they were working out of some deficiencies in their own lives (like all of us) and they got some things right and they got some things wrong. That’s called “being human.” There is no value in “parent bashing,” – recounting all the things they did wrong.

However, it is important to know that two imperfect human beings (your parents) couldn’t help but pass on some of their imperfections to you. You can’t escape that. In addition, you probably picked up some imperfections all on your own. I know I did.

The important thing to know is that what we learned from our FOO probably is not enough. We need help. We need to be intentional. We need additional input and resources. We all do. One excellent resource is a book and podcast called The Struggle is Real. They are designed to raise extraordinary kids in the 21st century.

START HERE

This brief blogpost is not enough to cover all the topics necessary in raising healthy children. However, there is one thing you can start doing today that can make a HUGE difference.

Tell your children, “I love you.”

Yes, I have the gift of stating the obvious. However, no matter how obvious this appears, children can’t hear this too much. Adults can’t hear this too much. Of the hundreds of people I have counseled over the years, a reoccurring issue among people in crisis relationships is that they rarely heard “I love you” from their parents.

Now, I am not saying these are magic words that will result in raising perfect children and healing all wounds. Of course not. (That’s why you need resources like The Struggle is Real). Words are not enough. There must be love in action to back them up. However, they are a start. And they can have a HUGE impact.

START TODAY

So today – tell your child, “I love you.” If you don’t have children – tell your parents, your spouse, a friend. We all need to hear it. Feeling loved is foundational to living an extraordinary life.

Let’s give that gift to our children and loved ones!

For more tips and ideas about life and relationships, follow us @familybridges.

A Valentine’s Blog That Won’t Make You Throw Up

A Valentine’s Blog That Won’t Make You Throw Up

Contributed by
Ashley Reed

How many of you have been a victim of Valentine’s Day disappointment? Maybe your crush didn’t leave you a cute note like you hoped they would, or maybe your partner forgot to buy you flowers. Less than two decades ago, if a high school friend got a huge bouquet of roses and jewelry for V-Day, only her and a few people in her circle would know about it. Today with social media, your newsfeed can become a blur of teddy bears, sparkly rings, flowers, and chocolate. Disappointment comes when we don’t receive something that we expect. And misery can come when we watch good things come to everyone else around us while we feel like we have been looked over. Cue the pity party violins.

So, what should we do to avoid the Valentine’s Day blues?

  1. Ask yourself, do you have any expectations for Valentine’s Day? If you are in a relationship, let your partner know if you would like something for Valentine’s Day. It may sound crazy, but there is a high chance that your partner doesn’t even know that V-Day is around the corner – or even that you are expecting something that day! Don’t drop indecipherable hints. If you want flowers, make it crystal clear to your partner that you would really love to get flowers on V-Day. Saying what you want and getting it is better than silently expecting something and feeling crushed when you don’t receive it.
  2. Maybe you have recently had a break up, a divorce, or are mourning the loss of a loved one. The commercials and hype for Valentine’s Day might make you feel queasy or angry. In that case, I would recommend staying away from your social media feed and investing in self-care or family time.
  3. Now for all of the single ladies and guys. Being single can be annoying on Valentine’s Day. Posting memes about the hype of Valentine’s Day can lead to the inevitable comment: “well someone is bitter/alone/going to die a spinster with 80 cats.” And having the spotlight of pity on you isn’t fun either – how many of you have heard “don’t worry, the right woman/man will come along eventually”, or even better, “how are you still single? You are so pretty/handsome/intelligent/witty/fill in the blank.” For this scenario I recommend the same medicine from point #2 – self-care and family time.

Valentine’s Day is commercialized and hyped up to the point that it sparks mixed emotions of fear, dread, anticipation, or high expectations for many people. But maybe, if we shifted the focus on that day from what we receive to what we give others (a listening ear, a shared meal, simple time spent together), we could make it a much happier and well-anticipated day for all parties involved.